It is near axiomatic that life is difficult. There is death, illness, suffering, and hardships; then every once in awhile moments of joy and happiness over take us and we remember that life is good, in spite of the trials we may face. All of us will undergo various ups and downs through life; it is intrinsic to the human experience. When we look around at the world we see record numbers suffering from anxiety, depression, loneliness, substance abuse, and chronic laziness. How did we get like this? Why is it so pervasive? The answers are not simple, they are multi-faceted, but ultimately, we as humans make poor choices that affects the quality of our lives. We choose short term gratification over our own long term prosperity. We choose that which is easy over that which is difficult far more often than we should.
We all have regrets in life, and those who with great bravado say they don’t are liars. But that does not mean we can’t change; that we can’t push ourselves in a different direction to improve our lives. Despite the mistakes of our past, we have today to change our habits and move forward to greater contentment and fulfillment in life. The greatest lie many of us believe is that we are stuck in our current situations and there’s no way out. We can always make changes; we can always improve those things that we’ve failed at before.
For years, I’ve thought long and hard about what it takes to live a fulfilled life. From all my reading and experience I’ve put together a list of things I believe will change an individual’s life for the better if they were able to implement them. Some are easy fixes; others will require some real effort and determination to change. If I, as a 54 year old man today, could write a letter to my 18 year old self on how to live, on how to chart out my life ahead, on the things I should prioritize in this one life I’ve been given, this is the advice I would pass along:
1) Tell The Truth – Dishonesty seems to be the default position of almost everyone today. Be honest. Be truthful. Be a man of honour. Even when it’s difficult and to your own self-detriment. The lessons of life can be hard when we diverge from those things that are good, beautiful, and true.
2) Work Hard – Personal gratification comes from hard work and a job well done. It is imperative that you change your mindset around work, and what it is, in order to avoid becoming an incessant complainer about it. Only through work can we understand the concept of value which informs most of the important decisions we have to make. Push through times of laziness for it can become a chronic condition and keep you from your goals.
3) Make Long-Term Goals – Choose your long term goals first, and then determine the short term goals required to get you there. Spend time reflecting on and contemplating who you are, what you want, and the direction you want your life to take. If you are not purposeful in making a plan it makes it far harder for it to materialize.
4) Save your money – Do not spend your money on frivolous things. If you live beyond your means your life will be stressful. We all like nice things, but save until you can afford it. Debt is a hard taskmaster that will keep you enslaved. Money will not “buy you happiness” as they say; but it will give you freedom that many don’t have.
5) Beware of Substances – Alcohol will control you; drugs will ruin you. They will dull you and not allow you to function how you should. They will keep you from being present and experiencing the fullness of life. The illusion of the short term pleasures of being drunk or high are NEVER worth the long term damage that drugs and alcohol will ALWAYS cause. Substances are for the weak and uninteresting who need a crutch to have what they believe is a good time. Be better than average people; demand better of yourself. Be strong and resolute in not allowing this weakness to overcome you.
6) Happiness Is Not A Goal – Do not pursue happiness as an end goal unto itself for it is subjective and unobtainable. Pursue contentment in every facet of life. Happiness is a subjective state of mind that you can never attain and the pursuit will leave you feeling depressed and down when those brief moments pass. Rather, cultivate contentment no matter your station in life at the time. If you aim to be happy all the time you will most certainly miss the mark.
7) Do Not Look For The Praise Of Others – It matters not what others think of you, except those closest friends and family that love and genuinely care for you. If you do things to garner praise, whether in person or online, you will get caught in the cycle of disappointment and depression. Listen to the words and wisdom of those who love and value you. Our value and worth is not determined by what we look like, by our online presence, or by the accolades of strangers.
8) Read More – Reading is the number one thing that will make you more intelligent and interesting as a person. Read books. Read articles. Read in depth to learn, not for entertainment. Avoid social media. Avoid Twitter. Avoid Netflix. Stay away from video games. Or use them sparingly. They are shallow pursuits that will atrophy your brain over time; they will profit you nothing. The old adage “Garbage in, garbage out” is as true today as it ever was. On your deathbed you will never wish you spent more time scrolling on Instagram or watching more shows on Netflix.
9) Manage Your Time – Time is the most precious commodity we have. You have one chance to build your life into something you can be proud of that brings you a level of contentment very few will ever know. Always be on time for everything. Being late is a sign of selfishness where you signal to the other person that your time is more valuable than theirs. It is a reflection on the person you are.
10) Beware The Pleasure Trap – Pursuing pleasure as a goal will ALWAYS leave you feeling empty when it’s gone. It is like eating candy for dinner; it will taste good at the time but will leave you starving and unhealthy over time. Stay away from porn. It rewires your brain and lowers your testosterone. It will eventually destroy your relationships. Pleasure as a sole/soul pursuit will empty your life of contentment and meaning.
11) Invest Your Time In Important Relationships – Determine the people that are most important to you and spend your time investing in their lives, for it will pay more rewarding dividends than any stock. Our relationships matter more than the things we have or what we do. We are social beings who crave the company of others for fulfillment. Those that neglect this lead extremely lonely lives.
12) Give Of Yourself – The most contented people are those who spend their time and resources giving to others. There’s greater joy in giving than in receiving. It will help guard against narcissism and selfishness. Those that are the most mentally healthy are those that give of themselves and keep their focus on the well-being of others.
13) Acquire Real Treasures – True joy and satisfaction is found in people and experiences, never in accumulating “things.” Things will tarnish, rust, break, and deteriorate over time; the joy they bring will be fleeting. Our consumer culture teaches us that we need this or that item to be happy, to be “in” or “cool” in the moment. Look for times, experiences, and people that move your soul to make you appreciate the time we have here.
14) Learn From Your Mistakes – We all make mistakes. Big ones. Small ones. If you do not learn from poor decisions then you have not grown. We all have regrets; even those that say they don’t, are liars. There are things we cannot change and other things we can make right. Be honest with yourself about the things you’ve done, and be better.
15) Do Not Fear Being A Man – And lastly, embrace your masculinity and never compromise your values. The world will call you toxic; they will castigate you as privileged or entitled. Do not care what they say. There is no time or place to entertain the criticisms of the weak and envious. Men are builders, protectors, strong in will, and kind in disposition. Be that man.
This is not a perfect list, nor does the perfect list exist. Life will be a series of tough learning experiences and moments of great joy. Strike a balance in all things, for moderation will keep you on that straight and narrow path of a life well-lived that few will walk.